I recently gave a pro-life presentation on how to have effective conversations about abortion. The talk focused on discussing science and human rights with pro-choice people, to help them understand that abortion is a human rights violation against an innocent child.
During the Q&A session, a participant asked me a question that I’ve heard often from pro-lifers: “Shouldn’t we be talking more about adoption? There are long waiting lists of couples wanting to adopt children.” I could see where he was coming from. After all, if a woman is pregnant but does not feel prepared to care for a new child, isn’t adoption a solution to her situation, and a way to bless another couple with the gift of a child? Shouldn’t we then recommend that, in our conversations with abortion supporters?
“That’s a great question,” I said to him. “There are definitely times and situations when it is appropriate to discuss adoption in our conversations about abortion. However, I almost never bring it up early in the conversation with a pro-choice person–for two reasons.”
“First of all,” I said, “By jumping to promoting adoption, we accidentally end up sidestepping the question of whether abortion is moral or not. For instance, imagine that World War III broke out tomorrow and adoption was suddenly impossible in Canada. Would abortion suddenly become OK, just because there are no adoptive parents available? I would say absolutely not, because abortion still kills an innocent child.”
And my analogy is not far-fetched; that kind of situation could easily happen to people who are fleeing a violent country, for instance. What if they spend months in a refugee camp, and cannot find anyone to adopt their 2-year-old child? Would it be okay for them to kill their toddler due to the lack of adoptive parents? Most sane people would answer, Of course not. But if it wouldn’t be okay to kill a born child, even if there are no adoptive parents for him, then why would it be okay to kill a pre-born baby for the very same reason? But that’s different, the pro-choice person may answer. It’s not a human yet. We must then return to the central question of the abortion debate: who are the pre-born? Are they living human beings, deserving of equal rights?
I continued, “The second reason that I avoid discussing adoption, at least early in the conversation, is because of a common negative perception of adoption by many pro-choice people. Many pro-choice people actually view adoption as worse than either abortion or parenting.”
The thought process of the pro-choicer goes something like this: while abortion is undoubtedly difficult for a woman to go through, it at least “solves” the problem of her unwanted pregnancy by ending the pregnancy. She can avoid having her life irrevocably altered by an infant. If she chooses to carry to term and parent, then she does deal with the difficulties of pregnancy and an altered life trajectory, but she will hopefully experience love and connection with her newborn baby.
When many pro-choice people consider adoption, they view it as the worst option, because not only does the woman go through the difficulties of pregnancy, but she also will bond emotionally to the baby. Adoption will then inflict a wound of separation on her and her baby. I’ve heard many pro-choice people say that the woman could spend her whole life wondering how her child is doing, and the child could spend his whole life feeling abandoned or unwanted. (Some people also mistakenly conflate the newborn adoption system with the foster care system, and worry that the child could go for years without a permanent adoptive family.)
There are some untruths mixed in with all three of these views. I have met countless women and men who discovered that abortion was not an easy and painless choice, but instead led to deep grief and regret. It did not prevent them from becoming parents–it simply made them the parents of a dead child. Improved adoption systems can help biological parents to connect or re-connect with their children, when it is possible and appropriate to do so. And I have dear friends who are adopted, who lead lives filled with love and purpose. The late Steve Jobs was adopted, and spoke of his gratitude for his birth mom’s courage: “I wanted to meet my biological mother mostly to see if she was okay and to thank her, because I’m glad I didn’t end up as an abortion. She was 23 and went through a lot to have me.”
However, even if the pro-choice assumptions are all correct–even if abortion involves the least emotional pain for the mother, and adoption involves the most pain–this still would not justify the violence of abortion, any more than it would justify killing a one-year-old child.
So, I said to this gentleman that I thought it would be more effective to first talk with a pro-choice person about why abortion is an injustice, and should not even be an option on the table. Once we’ve reached a consensus on that, then we can have compassionate discussions about how to best care for the child, and whether adoption is an appropriate route to pursue. My lovely friend Gabrielle, an adopted person herself, put it succinctly:
“The moral issue of abortion is cut and dried, but the social issue of unplanned pregnancy is not.”
On that note, pro-life people also should acknowledge that placing a child for adoption will involve pain for all parties involved–the biological parents, the adoptive parents, and the child. If we simply respond, “But she can just put the baby up for adoption!”, the pro-choice person will likely think that we are (at best) naïve to the traumas that can accompany the adoption process. We don’t want to give the false impression that adoption is “magical fairy dust” that we can sprinkle on an unplanned pregnancy, to “fix” the situation for everyone involved. Gabrielle has spoken openly to me about her experiences with adoption, both the blessings and the hardships. She emphasized to me that while she is deeply grateful for her life and her family, she also faces challenging questions about her identity, her origin story, and her family relationships. We can defend the human rights of pre-born children, without ignoring the complexities of adoption.
A final word of caution, when we are speaking about adoption: some people talk about adoption as important because it can allow infertile couples to raise children. This well-intentioned statement unfortunately glosses over the painful realities of infertility, which cannot simply be “fixed” by adopting a baby. Gabrielle told me that this viewpoint also pains her, because it treats adopted children as commodities, as “solutions” to a problem, rather than as people deserving of love. Adoption should always prioritize fulfilling a child’s need for (and right to) a loving family, not fulfilling the desires of adults for children.
What do you think? How have discussions about adoption played into your conversations about abortion?
This article was also published in Dutch for the organization Kies Leven: https://kiesleven.nl/zouden-we-het-niet-vaker-over-adoptie-moeten-hebben/
Maria McCann 